"His mind is everywhere."
"His mind is everywhere."
anon i bumped this to the top of the list because it is actually so important (not least to me) and i love asexual ships and asexuality is very close to my heart and i wish there was more talk of it/there were more fics around for it and yup yes this is an excellent prompt and i hope i can do it justice :))))
- It was never outwardly much of a problem that Steve never really wanted to have sex with anyone: the way he saw it, no one wanted to date him anyway, and he wasn’t an attractive man, so it wasn’t an issue he really needed to bring up. But when he saw Bucky dating girls - or went on the double-dates he arranged for the two of them - he felt a little awkward and uncomfortable, always managing to ruin the date in some way, treating the girl more like a friend and wanting to know her opinions on important topics than sweet-talking her. It was a default to him, to talk about distinctly un-sexy topics (usually the war) on dates, and not even realise he was steering the conversations away from romance. He always left those dates feeling like a freak: the looks the girls would give him, like there was something wrong with him, or like they wasted their time, made him think there was something wrong with him
- The feeling grew, as he got older: every time Bucky talked about dating, he would steer the conversation to anything else - again, most frequently the war, and his various attempts to join up. One time, Bucky asked him, why’d you do that, Steve? Don’t you wanna talk about dames? Don’t you want one of your own? Steve would shrug, playing off like he wasn’t bothered - but becoming more and more uncomfortable in himself, without realising why
- Him and Bucky get drunk, one time, and Bucky brings it up - Steve says he thinks there’s something wrong with him, and he doesn’t think about relationships like everyone else does: he’d like to kiss a someone, maybe, and date them, but the idea of actually having sex isn’t something he’s interested in. Bucky asks him if maybe liked guys instead - Steve says maybe, but that’s not the issue. He just doesn’t want to have sex: there are things he’d rather do, goals he’d rather pursue, and honestly he wouldn’t be comfortable with it
- Bucky says he’s never heard anything like that before, but there are probably other people out there just like him - he comforts him, too, saying anyone would be lucky to have him, and he’s amazing, regardless of how much sex he wants to have (or not have). Bucky ends up kissing Steve, that night - but they don’t talk about it in the morning (Steve hopes Bucky doesn’t rememer it; doesn’t remember what he told him, having never told anyone before, and being scared Bucky will tell someone or leave him behind)
- He secretly hopes the serum will change the way he feels about sex: he hopes that when he’s bigger, and stronger, he’ll suddenly get the confidence to pick up a girl, and the desire to sleep with her - but nothing changes, in his mind, to his dismay. If an experimental serum that radically altered him on a cellular level didn’t change him, then he realises that probably, nothing will - he’ll be this way forever, he accepts, finally. He tries not to feel bad about himself, too much, though: he learns to deal with his feelings, privately (though he wishes he had someone to talk to about it - specifically, he wishes Bucky was here to talk to him about it, having been so understanding and comforting to him before; being the one that Steve holds a torch for, thinking about him every day, even if he doesn’t think about him in a sexual way)
- When Steve rescues Bucky, he kisses him again: Steve kisses back, and he genuinely does love Bucky, but when he breaks away, he says, nothing’s changed, Buck - I still don’t - my body’s different, but I’m still not normal. Bucky tells him that’s fine (and you are normal - you’re still a little punk, though) - he’s just so grateful he gets to see Steve again, and hold him (no matter what size he is), and sex really isn’t on the top of his to-do list right now (especially since he’s just spent the last few weeks being touched and experimented on without his consent by Hydra scientists). They do indulge in comforting touches - Bucky’s hand on Steve’s shoulder, Steve’s hand on Bucky’s back - and they usually sleep in the same tent, in a tangle of limbs
- That’s what Steve misses most when Bucky goes: aside from his corny jokes and the way Bucky used to support him, no matter what, he misses the closeness - he cries because he misses Bucky, and he loves him, and in his mind he knows no one will ever understand him, and his attitude to sex and intimacy, like Bucky does - did
- The future is better, when he wakes up, in terms of sexual orientations: gay people have a lot more rights than when Steve went down in that plane, and there are a whole host of other sexualities that have names, now, too. Steve has to search a lot to find it, but he finally finds the definition that suits him: he identifies as asexual. Just having a word to describe it, and knowing that it’s not just him, there are others out there like him, too, is a huge relief (he feels a little ridiculous crying in front of his computer, just because he found out a new word, but it’s a massive release of tension, for him)
- He doesn’t tell anyone, for a long, long time: Natasha Romanoff tries to set him up with a few girls, which he turns down, for various reasons (which are mostly true) - but the main reason, which he doesn’t tell her, is because he’s afraid he’s not what they’re looking for.
- Eventually Nat pins him down, and demands to know what’s wrong with her suggests, looking offended: he sighs, and tells her I’m actually not looking for anything, uh … Well, I’m - I’m actually asexual, Nat. Without blinking, Natasha asks if he’s also aromatic - and after having what that means explained to him, he says no, he’s still romantically attracted to men and women, he just doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. He’s afraid he’ll disappoint anyone he dates, because of that. She’s amazing about it, though, and is no longer offended - mainly, she’s annoyed he didn’t tell her sooner, she could have told him which SHIELD agents are asexual, and given him more suggestions
- When Bucky comes back, Steve’s world is turned upside down: just seeing him reminds him of the love and acceptance Bucky gave him, and how he’s never had anyone else provide that kind of thing for him ever since, which just makes the fact that Bucky’s now attacking him even worse. He shelves those feelings, though, in favour of getting Bucky back
- Several months down the line, when Bucky’s back with him and recovering - after apologising so many times Steve had to tell him dammit, Buck, if you apologise one more time i’m gonna throw you out the window (which makes Bucky chuckle) - Bucky kisses him, again, like he did when they got drunk all those years ago
- Steve kisses back, but bites his lip seconds later, asking if Bucky remembers what he told him before - Bucky frowns, and says he’s not sure. He says he’s not sure what he wants from Steve: he doesn’t like the idea of sleeping with anyone, right now (he can’t see him self doing it in the future, really, either) - he’s just suffered so many betrayals of trust, and so much loss of his own bodily autonomy, having his body touched and altered and hurt by strangers against his will so many times that the thought of becoming intimate with anyone makes him feel queasy. Steve says that’s okay, though: he actually identifies as asexual - which is what he was trying to tell Bucky, all those years ago, but he didn’t have the right word for it
- Bucky recalls what Steve told him, before, bit by bit: it’s absolutely fine with him. Even as he recovers, getting to be much more like himself - much more well-adjusted and healthy, in his mind, after therapy - and Steve asks him, do you wanna … You know … ? (Steve was always bad at talking about sex, too), Bucky asks, why would I want to do that? Steve says, you like sex, right? and Bucky says that yeah, he does, but he loves Steve, so why would he want to force him to do something he’s not comfortable with? He knew what he was entering into, when he first got into a relationship with Steve (Steve wouldn’t be Steve without being asexual, after all), and he’ll stay with him anyway - he’ll always be with him til the end of the line
- Bucky finds it’s pretty easy to go without sex, actually - he’d protect Steve with his life, and has done many times, and he would never ever force him into having sex with him, just for his own benefit. They still kiss, and sleep in the same bed, and go on dates - like any other couple - they just get a bunch more sleep than them (they need it, with how often they have to get up and go out and save the world)
- Steve tells the media he’s asexual, eventually - proudly sporting a purple, white, grey and black striped t-shirt at a march, with Bucky (who wears a pink, blue, purple and white shirt), he spreads the word about asexuality, so that asexual teens (and adults) don’t have to suffer the confusion and upset he did, trying to understand their sexual preference, or think that they’re anything other than completely acceptable and normal
- He’s finally proud of his asexuality, and Bucky supports him in it, loving him no matter what he wants to do (or not do) in bed
this gets even funnier when you learn it wasn’t scripted; misha wasn’t paying attention so richard intervened
those moments when straight people assume you’re one of them and you feel like a gay secret agent
it’s an ace case
I tell him I do. He looks at me with tired eyes and a tired smile. "I miss Brooklyn. When I found myself in this city, I forgot to bring many things." "Any friends?" I asked. He almost looks even more tired. "Lost him."
Disney Villains Week Day Two: Favorite Villain Song
↳ Mother Knows Best (Reprise)
“No? Oh, I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best! Rapunzel’s so mature now! Such a clever grown up miss. Rapunzel knows best— fine! If you’re so sure now, go ahead and give him this!”
i wonder what’s happening right now over at hogwarts
probably education since harry doesn’t go there anymore